Do we really have a choice.

Talking to a friend last week about a couple of my posts on the patronising and diminishing ways that disabled people get talked to. He put forward the position that it is their problem and we (disabled people) have a choice as to whether we let it impact on us or not.

 

In responding, it made me think about where choice lies, what our choices are and whether we can always choose for others’ view of us not to impact on us.

 

It has led me to  remember plenty of times where for example, failure to listen to me or to take me seriously, not believe I know what I’m talking about or  ignore me, has impacted upon me detrimentally. For

 

When, in supermarkets, the assistant that is meant to be helping me with my shop doesn’t take me seriously enough to take notice of what I’m asking for, I will not have an easy shopping experience and will most likely get home with numerous wrong items in my bags.

 

If I find myself in a work situation where a new colleague clearly cannot take me seriously, I will struggle to be able to have the conversation that I need in order to do my work properly.

 

When at bus stops, I am not listened to when I ask someone to let me know when my bus arrives, I will be told to get on the wrong bus. Then if the driver doesn’t listen to me enough to realise that I’m on the wrong bus, I can end up miles from my actual destination.

 

When in a hospital, the receptionist talks down to me and doesn’t listen to where I need to go, I can find myself waiting in the wrong place and miss an appointment.

 

So, while there are clearly numerous interactions where I have a choice to ignore someone’s dismissal of me or patronising manner, with no tangible negative impact on me, there are many situations where they do.

 

 

Comments

  1. alexhighrise6 August 2020 at 22:42

    So what might it say about the person not taking your requests seriously or not listen? It could be common ignorance, which is no excuse, or it could be something more sinister, an aggressive acting out, which ever you're vulnerable to others in a way that I'm not

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    Replies
    1. Ian9 August 2020 at 22:11

      This is an interesting point. Yes, I find it hard to imagine how ignoring someone, speaking to them in an entirely different voice than they use with others, demeaning them, not listening to them properly, not taking seriously what they say, can possibly all be argued away as unconscious and as ignorance and ‘lack of awareness’ – and yet these excuses are used so readily.

      Your comment has made me think about intent and whether it is aggressive too. And I think again of the common excuses for the behaviours – ‘that’s just the way she/he talks’, ‘they don’t mean anything by it’, even ‘it doesn’t mean anything’, ‘he/she doesn’t realise they’re doing it’ and so on. They all place the problem back with me/the recipient.

      It certainly often feels aggressive, I am sure that, whatever the story they tell themselves, or that others use to excuse them, it seems very clear to me that I am not seen as equal or of as much worth as the previous or next person in the queue, other passengers/colleagues/whatever, and that there is some external message that they want to convey more publically (ref the previous discussion about performance).

      I had an experience yesterday when buying bread from my local bakery that was similar and yet very different. I had a (perhaps too thick) mask on, the shop (on a road with traffic) was serving customers from the doorway with a plastic sheet separating us. Neither me or the shop assistant could hear each other very well. What struck me was that she told me when she couldn’t hear me, and while it was difficult/irritating not being heard, I was absolutely clear that she wanted to hear me and was trying to do so. I’ve had decades of addressing shop keepers and plenty of others (as described) without wearing a mask and in situations where they could hear me perfectly well, but where they have chosen to not listen or belittle me in some way.

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